Boundaries
What even are “boundaries??”
Let’s talk about this! As a therapist, I often hear people express frustration that other people are crossing their boundaries. “I told them not to do this because that’s a boundary for me and they did it anyway!!” Yeah, people do that. The thing is we don’t have control over other people and what they do. This is a key point to understand when setting and enforcing boundaries. We set boundaries for ourselves. Let me repeat that…we set boundaries for ourselves.
Let me explain. Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are not threats or ultimatums or any of that. In fact, they’re not about other people AT ALL. Your boundaries are about YOU. They are what you will allow and accept in your life and in your space. They are about how you will respond to the people and situations around you to protect your own mental and physical energy and safety. Communicating your boundaries to others is not about control or about being selfish, but rather a part of building healthy, respectful relationships.
So what do boundaries actually look and sound like?
If you find that you’re struggling to enforce your boundaries, it may be helpful to reflect on if you might be focusing more on the behaviors of others rather than on your own behaviors. Again, boundaries are about changing our own behaviors.
Here are a few examples of what a boundary might sound like:
“If you continue to talk to me in that way, I will need to end this conversation.”
“I only respond to emails during work hours.”
“I don’t feel comfortable participating in conversations about this.”
Notice that these all center around what the person setting the boundaries will do and it’s relatively easy to see how these boundaries would be enforced.
While it can be challenging, especially at first, to establish, communicate, and enforce boundaries, it’s important to remember that this is a key part of self-care and that it also gets easier with practice.
If you would like to talk more about how to set and enforce healthy boundaries in your relationships, please contact me to schedule an appointment. I love helping others feel empowered to put this into practice and cultivate fulfilling relationships in their own lives!
